Been awhile .

It’s been awhile , but I feel in the need and mood to write . So these past few years I’ve felt shitty ! When I came home in 2016 , i was truly depressed , I lost my “best friend ” since the 4th grade , I had a traumatic relationship experience, and I stayed in another state for way too long and purposely for school and didn’t finish. Feeling extremely defeated I just really get hopeless ! I went with the motions of going out , telling people ” I was feeling myself again ” when in reality I wasn’t, i was LITERALLY FALLING apart inside and out but I put on a great show . I felt like a complete failure ! I wanted to hate EVERYONE ! For not understanding what it was I was going through , though it WAS NOT FOR THEM to understand. Make sense ? Or no ?!

Well anyway life just sucked .. I was in and still am in deep debt with school , but got back on track to say the least …. but through all those sucky ass obstacles and milestones in my life I can say I see a brighter future now . 2017 to now I kinda been isolated , I’d post on social media here and there just to feel human at least but I did not communicate much with people . I stopped calling family memebers and friends as well . Lately just not have been emotionally invested .

I decided last year I wanted to become an EMT , And took a 4 month class , taught by the WORST instructor ever ! And didn’t succeed with passing my exam with really discouraged me ! It just brought back all the negative thoughts pertaining to my failure to complete college and it made me feel like I would never be something or someone in life and that I’d work in a warehouse all my life etc and not pursue my passion to become an actress . Giving up was definitely in the back of my mind almost everyday ! But I told myself , that wasn’t an option to so I decided to take up phlebotomy and later come back to EMT. Isolation I went right back too cause I felt I didn’t deserve to have fun or talk with loved ones because I wasn’t worthy ! I dealt with a lot of self doubt and again felt like complete shit ! I just didn’t fell whole I’d start going to the gym , which I enjoyed it was a slight escape but once I felt my reality was outside the door . A week before my phlebotomists exam I literally went into depression and cried myself to sleep every night i was afraid I was going to fail ONCE again and be nothing … to the point that looking at my textbook made me sad cause I thought in the back of my mind , what’s the point ?I’m going to fail this exam too and still be nothing … so I stopped studying .. but the night before my exam I pulled myself out of it and prayed and told myself I knew the material and I knew how confident I was and to not self destruct myself like I’ve been doing .

I go to say this ! I’ve done a lot of self destructing things to my heart and soul … and I decided 2020 I’m going to get real help and actually continue to go to counseling for my mental health , I’m unable to control my emotions they always seem to overwhelm in any situation and it effects all my outcomes in life and it sucks . I want to be more present fr fr . I will say this I am sooo forever grateful to God and my partner in my life cause they both made it a lil easier to go on with life and not completely give up . Really and truly !!! I thank God for giving my the ability to maintain the information I learned in class to be able to pass my exam and I feel a lot more confident to take on other things , before I didn’t see a bright future for me and it was saddening but I kept going and I now see I can go future but I have to put the negative thoughts behind me !

Just blabbing of course but yeah goodnight .

the key to change is CONSENT

“the Key to change , is consent” gosh ! I love how that is true . I Heard my Bishop quote these words last service and they just resonated  with me every since & I absolutely love it . Don’t you just enjoy words of wisdom that just apply to your life and situations ? Cause I sure do ! gives me so much joy .

So it’s May 3, 2019 and today was the very first day I woke up at 5 o’clock a.m. , well attempted , I technically woke up at 5:25 a.m. lol . Waking up this early was definitely a challenge !! I literally had a lil mind argument on as to why I am waking up this early in the first place ,  ( lil voice inside my head : just ignore the alarm ) …( logical voice: no you need to wake up and tap into you NOW ) …. ( lil voice in my head : you don’t need to wake up ! just sleep in like you normally do !! )  …… ( logical voice in my head: NO ! you want to make a change , be the change and just do ! you have full control over your decisions . Don’t let your old self [ lazy mind ] control ). Then  a light flickered in me & I had  remembered  , you have to have a Purpose “Shavonna” as to why you’re doing things ! and it all clicked and I got my lazy butt up ! I am not a morning person , but I am going to change that and not allow that ” phrase” to define me. I have to stop saying things like ” this is who I am ” or  “that’s just the way I am ” or ” I’m not this person ”  phrases as such, just prove you are in no way of wanting to change. In order to be successful  you have to be uncomfortable  , break free from your  old skin into your new skin. Don’t settle for what you know or who you think you are , search , learn and grow to want to be better than you were, yesterday , today , tomorrow etc ..

 

Unplugging from my social media slowly has opened my mind a little more , I feel more alive and connected . I smiled soooo much today at work and not once felt tired or drained . Simply connecting to myself and making a simple change as much as a morning routine did all that for me , ALL IN ONE DAY and I’m like woahhh!! I wanna see how much awesome my days can be ?? I’m excited and ready to tackle and take on my day-to-day life and routine of my May Challenge.

 

Peace & love , Monaè

Trying to find my purpose & Motivation

It’s 10:48 pm an almost close to my bedtime , but as of now I have so much on my mind I’d like to get off of it before I close my eyes. so for the year of 2019 for me hasn’t been great nor has it been bad either , but once again I find myself in an uncertain path or direction. These past few months I’ve felt so all over the place , and have no since of structure in my world or what I would say a clear path for myself , and this feeling I’ve been experiencing is bothersome.

 

Last Monday I went to go see the movie ” Little” and on my walk home I had a heart to heart talk with myself on what Shavonna needs to do , to re-route herself into self motivation and staying on track to her purpose . I decided I needed a routine and to find my focus and mold ,and sharpen my creative side . I got home and ordered a few books to help me stay proactive and focused and to set reasonable goals for myself that don’t overwhelm me into not wanting to do them .

MY WHAT’s ; read/ study my EMT textbook , workout , eat better , expand my creativity , read more

MY WHY’s : pass my exam , be physically happy and fit , feel better on the inside as well as the outside , to bring my vision of my short films as well as my character building as an aspiring actress,  read to build more knowledge , and vocabulary and to apply all of what I read and learn to my everyday life .

 

All in all I am just over self- sabotaging myself and want to be able to see my fullest potential . I would say I’ll do something , and do it for a little while and then fall off from it ! this time I am going to take my time and not try to compete or go with everyone else pace and go off of mine . I have to simply take it day at a time .. NOT try but DO .. I just want to build my own self motivation and purpose and not what I think others would think I should or could be doing . in the end this journey is for me , I’m living for me and can only be mad at me if I don’t fall through .

Goodnight ❤

Untitled

“To the souls i know i hurt . You were victims of my indecisiveness the commitment an expectations I couldn’t up keep. It ended before it started . I put myself in positions i knew I wasn’t ready for and carried you into my world , where you and I weren’t meant to be . I made myself think i wanted to be there with you , and made you want to , too . I quickly pulled the rug from under you . Running scared and overwhelmed i did hiding my truth . Playing pretend in my mind , picturing you & i , with no true desire of it ever burning with fire . I found myself being the game player , filled with guilt . Never the intent to leave a soul on read . Bitter or cold vengeful and distant or even holding on to hope . Sorry to the souls i hurt .

Been awhile …

So i know it’s been awhile , buhhhh I’ve been trying to tap back into my creative side and refocus on my passion . So late last year i played around with my imovie app and started making lil skits/ short stories and man when i tell you the joy i get from making my videos its flippin awesome ! And surprisingly someone of the people that follow me enjoy them too and that there is a plus ! I recently deleted my original Facebook because i wanted to start fresh with what i want to share and put out ! And I deleted all the photos on my Instagram to try an build a better feed ! As well as created a new snapchat ! So far i like the change i made so far ! But besides that i want yo share so far all of what I’ve done so far with my creativity. So hope you enjoy ! So the first video i will share is my new promo video for an upcoming short . It’s not complete but it’s a start . ” broken pussy“i. If unable to view the video look up my youtube channel ( Soulflower.productions) and check out my other videos

Dayyyy 13 !!

What a day it was today ! So let’s get to the good stuff . Tuesday December 11 i decided to do intermittent fasting as well as drinking apple cider vinegar to help the process ! And man I’ll tell you that apple cider vinegar ain’t no joke lol it’s THE MOST nastiest thing ever , but I learned how to pimp it out and survive i guess ! And the intermittent fasting is very hard , but its day 3 and it’s definitely getting a lil easier . The first say doing both i felt like i was going to DIE of starvation ! OMG 😮 but I didn’t give in and pulled through ! But day two literally it is so hard for me normally to get out of bed in the mornings but day two my alarm went off i got up with no hesitation and was refreshed and oddly energized! So that fun fact about the apple cider vinegar was correct . And I wasn’t so hungry through out the day as day 1 . With day 3 coming to an end i definitely can agree my need for hunger has decreased like i snacked a lil today and had a good meal but i was like hungry or thinking about food to the point i almost forgot to even eat @ 11:30 like usual.

My starting weight is 150 lbs

Today’s calories : 1,360

I burned : 300 calories on the treadmill ( and I wasn’t tired) I could’ve gone longer but i still wanted to work on the booty as usual .

Squats : 200 completed

I hope i can pull through with the 240 tomorrow i cannot wait till rest day lmao cause my thighs are going to be barking !

Will keep you all posted !

Xoxo Shavonna Monaè😘

Week 1 down babyyyy !😟

I know , I know don’t beat me up guys , I know I have been inconsistent with my blogging but, you’d all be proud to know I am still consistent with not eating meat and working out . so as you all may know or maybe not I’ve put myself on a challenge of doing a 31 day squat challenge as well as a fitness challenge of doing something physical / active the entire month of December ! and so far I documented the day one of what my body looks like compared to the first finished week ! and i’ll say the results are minimal but, they are there ! it’s a slow process for me with my sucky work schedule and getting to bed on time ! the past week I experienced a low blood sugar episode, while at work which was idk scary ! for the past few weeks I would normally bring a heavy lunch to work  and would be super sleepy , so I decided to try eating a lighter lunch at work by eating yogurt and fruit , and soon after lunch I felt more tired then I have ever felt , and then out of nowhere had a burst of energy and then next I felt like my body was about to crash !!! I felt extremely lite headed an dizzy .. and had to chop down on donuts to revive me !! my body was deprived of sugar I guess . Don’t worry I figured it out though and got it into control .

Now aside from that I decided after a some brief research ( googling / youtube ) I will try this so called apple cider vinegar  weight loss  detox and try to fast as well ! so pray for me lol cause I DO NOT know how this is going to work out omg !! pray for me ! I will start Tuesday IE meaning tomorrow ! and attempt to push through it  for 7 days !! i’ll try to keep you guys posted as much as I possibly can 🧡TTYL XOXOXO  Below are the photos from the beginning and end of week 1 🧡

Day 1 of my December fitness / consistency challenge

Well, well , well , my first day of my fitness challenge wasn’t so bad . I will say i had a slight moment of laziness after a early morning of testing ( passing MY EMT FINAL ) which i am sooo over joyed about , as well as a few errands I was literally pooped ! But i gained the will and told myself don’t let yourself down and get in the way of success in this challenge . To  continue my not eating meat diet i had  the following today ;

 

• Oatmeal / Granola / almond milk and banana
• Chick’n tenders an fries ( but the meatless chick’n tenders
• and I had a bowl of fresh fruit for dinner

Sugar Overload , but not the super bad kind lol . But let’s get to the physical stuff , yeah ?

• ran for 23 mins
• 50 squats
• 10 donkey kicks
• 10 butt ups
• 10 fire hydrants  on each side !!

and after my workout , i’ll say i feel ZAMMNNNN good ha! so a little side note since i’ve gone cold ” turkey ” lol with no meat (pun intended) I noticed less oily skin ! and i love it !.  Down falls i’ve come across is my periods came back ! i am currently on the Nexplanon birth control and have it inserted since March and haven’t had a menstruation in 7 months and now since i’ve changed the way i eat , welp here she is ” thriving ” and living her best life lol . I’ve tried to google the effect of a vegan diet on the women’s menstrual cycle while on Birth Control but , Nothing ! but from what i did read up on , being on a whole foods diet women will experience a light period ( which i notice in myself ) , a regulated cycle and less pain( so far i disagree with less pain) but that could be simply because i haven’t had a cycle for so long ? All I can is day one is complete and so far so good and i cannot WAIT ! to see more body & health progress and transformation . Stay Tuned ❤

 

 

Consistency

November 27,2018 so lately I’ve been reflecting on life and recently i decided to take meat out of my diet about two weeks ago, so far it’s going pretty well ! I love the fact that i feel lighter instead of heavy , i still have the lazy groggy effect when i wake up ! But I definitely feel my energized then i usually do throughout the day . Today i also decided to workout consistently through the month of December, I’ve been feeling like i have an issue with consistency and it definitely lacks in my life style , i want to challenge myself mentally and physically on being consistent with all things in life but i want to balance and healthy lifestyle and progress to something else . So Starting December 1st 2018 i will blog about my workouts and what I’ve eaten to try and stay motivated and consistent with what I’m trying to do and also video vlog as well

YOU people

You people put me in a box .

I refer to you as you people , cause you fail to understand who I am . You only saw & see me for who you want to believe me to be…

I’ve always been the Yes man to you , easy ti manipulate , easy to label me , when i disappoint .

Yes I don’t say what needs to be said & that’s my fault . Simply as i easily entrusted in you , you should’ve respected me . My space .

You people love to say I’ve changed, in what way? Because I chose to go my own way and not yours ? Decided to put me first and not you ? YOU PEOPLE paste these high ass expectation of me like you don’t lack or fail ? I’ve got layers ! I’m not just one person … mentaly , emotionally ! Maybe here in this physical realm . Leave me alone , you people ! This is my time , i am me . And I’m losing myself and you cannot see ! Look at me ! See me . Plot twist imma let y’all act differently.